Rachel

finally it is beautiful outside.
finally there are flowers blooming.
finally i can go outside and have the warm sun in my eyes.
finally i can go to the lake for a walk without my ears hurting from the wind.

it is so hard to believe this school year is almost over.

it sorta scares me but at the same time is so delightful.

i like to think about all of the fun things and fun friends i will play with.

all the vanilla cigs i will smoke, all of the ICED beverages i will consume.

the pictures i will take.

and i will have a car!

i am missing the boy and have been sending him special treats in the mail.

i have 2 weeks including this week left of SCHOOL

jeez

I feel doomed and unhappy...

<td align="center"> Rachel --
[noun]:

A human transformer (Robot in disguise)

'How will you be defined in the dictionary?' at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

The first (luke) warm day in weeks. This is bliss. Swam 1000 yeards this afternoon and my innards are screaming to get out of my skin. terrible terrible feeling. it's all happening. meeting with ian on friday afternoon, hopeful meeting with larry in the next few weeks. this music needs to scream a little louder. dessa is being very supportive and i am hopeful and will remain positive that this summer will be rich with shows...saturated until it drips with shows. (visual?) rob stole carmel and jon chugged it and rob and i made a mess out of it (ourselves). i found alot in my ears and hair later. what a delicious suprise. been really anxious/paranoid these last 2 weeks and i have been throwing 10 year old tantrums. how ridiculous. how frightening it is to grow up. my pills are all fucked up. bad girl. this year is almost over and i can feel it will be a good good summer. it's time to turn this town on.

walking up the staircase the weather treated me nicely

with good timing and precision it began to snow

while i was steps away from home.

Crossing the street,

he drove his cream colored chiffon car into the freeway entrance

leaving a trail of sweet cigar smoke trailing behind him

to only be caught by my nose.


I had uncontrolable nose dripping and i finally just let it drip while i walked home, it was a quick but miserable walk as i tried to catch every word he said into my ears: brother ali, he should be related to malcom x.

it's still gloom doom out there, i am visiting my soon to be loft. (is this a dream?)

Woke up late, realized it was a noon late start and decided against going to school.

talked to boy who is sick
ate kix, orange juice, banana
showered

it was fresh

wrote music music music

met with seth and was shocked to see he has reverted back to his old ways of alcoholism and cough syrup.

our music didn't make me feel good like it normally does. it was all gloom.

i was shaking i was so furious.

when i returned home i ran upstairs.

LOCK goes the bathroom door.

read book in the empty bathtub, took off my clothes, applied wild makeup


i recieved 2 apology letters today and i feel nothing.